Dr. Strange Glove (Or How I Learned to Love Condoms and Stop Dropping Those Bombs)

Published: January 30, 2014

 I have always struggled with condoms. They remind me of something I hate, my HIV-positive status. My bad, you say? Nope. I just love barebacking. But I will not have anal sex without condoms. Which means I have not had intercourse in 18 years. But recently I met a younger guy who is HIV-negative, and I don’t want to risk transmission, so I decided to start loving the condom and learned to stop dropping those mind bombs that kept me down on the farm.

Just a point of clarification: I am not a gift giver. So this sexy guy and I are playing around, and he wants me to fuck him. I want to fuck him also. I strap on a Magnum XL, not because I’m growing a sequoia downstairs, but because I just like a little wiggle room. Then suddenly it’s a taffy pull. I go limp. I get all embarrassed, and that makes it worse. Plus, he’s got such a beautiful body that I feel I’ve let us both down. He’s a real charmer; he kisses me and makes it all OK. We go elsewhere, because as soon as that rubber is off, I am "strong like bull."
The truth is that I hated condoms until this very moment. But now I am so inspired that it’s time to take matters into my own hands. I decided to do something about my condom phobia. Practice makes perfect. And given that his backside is perfect, it’s time to start upping my game. While polymorphous perversion can be a wonderful thing, it’s no substitute for what I’ve been missing.
I know this is going to require some work. Here’s what I did to get one over that ant and the old rubber tree plant: I went online and found this great amateur porn site. Then I watched a few guys my age screwing around with condoms — brilliantly, I might add, as one guy after another taught me tricks I thought unfathomable. One dude had a tool like my forearm. Hell, he had no problem working that condom. So what’s my problem?
Then I talked to some friends who assured me that I could get over it. I talked to my doctor, who prescribed ED medication. And I bought myself several boxes of condoms, just to try them out and find the right fit. If you can’t afford them, go to the nearest clinic or bar, ask around, and you’ll get them for free. And don’t be shy. Take some home, and while you’re visiting the clinic, get tested. It’s a stone-cold fact that people who know their status act accordingly.

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